it wasn't lemon gatorade
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
