How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
