omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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