True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
