I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
