Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
me + whiskey = a bad person
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
