my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
