OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
