Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
