He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
