I just made out with a guy for $7.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
