a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
