I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
