The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you win again, gameday.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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