no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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