you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
as a side note pls kill me
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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