I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
