I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
