i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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