this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
