Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
