Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
