He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
