Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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