now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
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