12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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