someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
