No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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