Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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