So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize