you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Are we still banned from the library?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize