Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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