Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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