yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
