I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
