Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
