I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
