My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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