Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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