Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
