allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
