Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
