They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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