Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
