My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Congratulations! We have a period
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
