You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
