the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
my poor anus
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
