I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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