he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
