i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
