that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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