I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish you could order shots online.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i came on her dog
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
