I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
