Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
