and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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