I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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