well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
